So it has been two-some-odd years since I last updated this thing. I've been doing the Livejournal thing quite frequently, and I greatly enjoy the convienence.
I read the blog today because I wanted to think about my past and how much I have changed. It's strange how... I'm still the same person as I was then, as a giddy 16-year-old. While I was writing the blog, I was learning who I was and trying to come to terms with my life.
At my core, I am still the same person. I still like a lot of the same things. I still think about a lot of the same people. Even if I've lost contact with basically all of them. I have come to realize that they were all important parts in shaping who I am today and who I was then.
What seems like the theme running through the blog is a lot of loss. Gerry's death hit me hard. I think of him daily. Losing Chris' friendship hit me equally hard. It took me until recently to really get over it. I realize now that I loved him, and even after things took a turn for the truly bad I still loved him, and I just couldn't let go. As a friend of mine on Livejournal said:
"...you never get over being in love. If you're truly in love, it never leaves you. You just get to a point where it doesn't bug you so much, this point where you stop wondering why you laid awake so many nights over that person and why them holding your hand meant so much. And you start going, Hey, at least I got to have that. At least for a little while."
I left my mother's house. I went to a different school. I met new people. I fell for a young man who may not bend over backwards for me, but who respects me more than many people I have known in the past. It took that to get over all the pain I had endured in the past. There are some things I may never fully get over, but I am starting to replace all that sadness, all that anger, all that negativity with good things. I'm starting to see my new life through a new set of eyes. While I am not always happy with what I see, and while I still experience a lot of the same bad feelings as I did when I was younger, I am considerably happier.
I have gotten everything I wanted then. I graduated high school. I moved out of my mother's house. I have a car. I have a license. I have friends who love me for who I am, not what I do for them. I am starting to heal.
I guess that's all I can say about that.
I read the blog today because I wanted to think about my past and how much I have changed. It's strange how... I'm still the same person as I was then, as a giddy 16-year-old. While I was writing the blog, I was learning who I was and trying to come to terms with my life.
At my core, I am still the same person. I still like a lot of the same things. I still think about a lot of the same people. Even if I've lost contact with basically all of them. I have come to realize that they were all important parts in shaping who I am today and who I was then.
What seems like the theme running through the blog is a lot of loss. Gerry's death hit me hard. I think of him daily. Losing Chris' friendship hit me equally hard. It took me until recently to really get over it. I realize now that I loved him, and even after things took a turn for the truly bad I still loved him, and I just couldn't let go. As a friend of mine on Livejournal said:
"...you never get over being in love. If you're truly in love, it never leaves you. You just get to a point where it doesn't bug you so much, this point where you stop wondering why you laid awake so many nights over that person and why them holding your hand meant so much. And you start going, Hey, at least I got to have that. At least for a little while."
I left my mother's house. I went to a different school. I met new people. I fell for a young man who may not bend over backwards for me, but who respects me more than many people I have known in the past. It took that to get over all the pain I had endured in the past. There are some things I may never fully get over, but I am starting to replace all that sadness, all that anger, all that negativity with good things. I'm starting to see my new life through a new set of eyes. While I am not always happy with what I see, and while I still experience a lot of the same bad feelings as I did when I was younger, I am considerably happier.
I have gotten everything I wanted then. I graduated high school. I moved out of my mother's house. I have a car. I have a license. I have friends who love me for who I am, not what I do for them. I am starting to heal.
I guess that's all I can say about that.
posted by square at 9:56 PM
